Mayor Sighting 22
I saw Mayor Ford buying a pumpkin the other day. I figured he was just getting ready for Halloween, but right after he paid for it he took a huge bite out of the side of it. Just eating it like it was an apple! Like, what the hell! Who does that? —Submitted by Kathryn Coleman
Interview: Election Day
Me: Hey, did you vote today? Guy: What? Me: Did you vote today? Guy: Uh… y… um… yes? Yes. I voted. As is my civic duty. Me: Are you sure? That kind of sounds like a lie. Guy: A lie? Get out of town! No… that’s… no. I voted. Totally. I’m such a voter. Me: Alright, what level of government was being elected today? Guy: Prov…incial? Me:...
Hudak Defends Homophobic Flyer
OTTAWA — Progressive Conservative leader Tim Hudak is standing behind a controversial campaign flyer which some have labelled homophobic. “Of course I think it’s an appropriate flyer,” Hudak told the press on Tuesday. “The fact is, Mr. McGuinty wants to teach your six-year old child that gay people exist. And I don’t believe it’s appropriate for our...
What was everyone’s favourite thing at Nuit Blanche this year? Personally I’m torn between the giant two hour lineup and the giant 90 minute lineup. Although that giant one hour lineup was pretty good too. —Jordan Piece
Review: People Who Sell Me Things on the Street
Today I bought a music album from some men in a van. Normally I just steal all my music but I’m a really suggestible person so whenever someone asks me to buy something I’ll pretty much immediately say yes even if I don’t want the thing. Even if I don’t know what the thing is or how much it costs. I have around 800 copies of that newspaper that homeless people sell in my...
Mayor Sighting 21
I walked by Mayor Ford in the park last night and he completely reeked of rum. He kind of yelled something at me and my friends but it mostly unintelligible because of how slurred his speech was. He was waving a camera at us though, so I think maybe he wanted us to take his picture? I just pretended not to see him. —Submitted by Brittany Linstock
What I Learned at the Ontario Science Centre
There are approximately one billion children in the city of Toronto and their parents have made a collective decision to bring them all to the same building at the exact same time. —Jordan Piece
Review: Being Hung Over
ugh zero stars —Impala D’Angelo
This party is getting really weird so I’m posting on tumblr instead of talking to people. Around thirty of Carolyn’s law school friends all showed up at the same time and now it is officially impossible to have a non-law conversation. Literally every time I start talking to someone they end up going on about torts. It’s like, what the fuck is a tort? I have no idea what that word...
Me: Nice hat. Guy: Thank you! Thank you for noticing my hat. Me: No problem. Guy: It took me a lot of time to find this hat, you know? Took me time. Me: Great. So how do you know Carolyn? Guy: Hey, I don’t know. I just met her, you know what I mean? Me: Oh yeah? Who are you here with? Guy: Huh? Me: Who do you know here? Guy: Who do I know here? Me: Who do you know here? Guy: I...
Review: 8 Mile
Oh my god, I just realized that 8 Mile is the same person as Eminem. That’s so weird! Why do you think they did that? I bet if they had called him Eminem in the movie they would have sold more DVDs. I haven’t watched this movie in nine years so I can’t really give it a rating. That’s so weird though. —Impala D’Angelo
Review: Coldplay Concert
I couldn’t get tickets to this show but Coldplay’s last album wasn’t very good so I’m going to go ahead and give this concert a C-. Too bad, I really expected better out of those guys. —Impala D’Angelo
Air and Space Museum
I for one think it’s a good thing that those bums are getting evicted. It’s high time we ground people stopped subsidizing all this sky nonsense. —Jordan Piece
Advice from Andy: Payphone
Q: Dear Andy, have ever you noticed how there are like no payphones around anymore? Sometimes a dude just needs to pay to use a phone. You feel me bro? Yeah, you feel me. Anyway, I’m just looking for some tips on how to find the sweet payphone spots in TO. A: Come on, does anyone really need a payphone nowadays? If you’re that desperate for the experience just find someone on the...
This Week in Poetry 2
Madonna A celebrity came through today and we mere mortals had to avert our eyes forehead against wall I trembled in fear as she blessed the very hallway with her presence but temptation overcame me I snuck a quick look and her manager whapped me on the back of the head with a rolled up TIFF program guide Crowding Standards seven people waiting at a stop shove em all on the bus seventeen people...
Mayor Responds to Flagging Poll Numbers
Mayor Ford dismissed the results of a pair of recent polls which showed his approval ratings dropping to their lowest levels yet. “I don’t pay attention to polls. The people I talk to are telling me to stay the course and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to stay the course. I’m going to stay on this course until I get those poll numbers all the way down...
Interview: Polish Festival
Guy: Hey, are you going to the festival? Me: Oh, weird. Normally I’m the one who initiates these interviews. Guy: What? Me: Nothing. Yeah, I’m going to the festival. Why do you ask? Guy: It’s fucking bullshit. Don’t go. Me: What do you mean? Guy: See all this shoe polish? I lugged it all the way over here from my shoe polish store and nobody was interested in buying...
Mayor Sighting 20
I saw Rob Ford eating a tuna fish sandwich in Nathan Phillips Square and he looked kind of down in the dumps. Then this guy walked by and he was like “Hey Mayor Ford, you suck!” and threw a Big Gulp at him. The Mayor was totally drenched but he barely even reacted. He just kinda sighed and went back to eating his soggy sandwich. Poor guy. Is this what it’s like when your...
Toronto International Film Festival
It’s September, and that means some of the biggest names in Hollywood have come to town for the Toronto International Film Festival. I was fortunate enough to have the chance to sit down with Jessica Brantford, Vice President of Communications for TIFF, and ask her a few questions about this year’s festival. Q/S: Thanks so much for agreeing to talk with me. JB: No problem. Q/S: So...
Dialysis Freeloaders Finally Get What's Coming to...
It’s called WheelTrans for a reason, dialysis patients. I don’t see no wheels on your messed up kidney. —Jordan Piece
Pennachetti Considers Raising Fares for Late-Night...
Monday morning, Toronto city manager Joseph Pennachetti released a long list of recommendations for city service cuts. One suggestion was the reduction or elimination of the late-night Blue Night TTC service, “or making it a premium service by raising fares.” Pennachetti defended the recommendation. “Beyond the additional revenue it would provide, it could also help bolster the...
Interview: Day of Service
Me: What’d you do for the National Day of Service? Guy: uh… I worked in my service industry job. Does that count? Me: Sure. Hey, can I get a refill on this? —Eden Wye
Re: Voice of Toronto 3
What a transparent attempt to score free TIFF tickets. —Eden Wye
Voice of Toronto 3
This week in a special TIFF edition of Voice of Toronto we put our ear to the twitter-ground and see what the people of Toronto think about this year’s film festival. @LongosMarkets: @longosmarkets has #TIFF11 tickets to giveaway! We want you to be our #longosvip! RT for a chance to WIN them! @BlackBerry: We like giving u stuff, #teamblackberry. Visit @BlackBerryScene now 4 a chance to win...
Mayor Sighting 19
My kids were playing football out on the street when Rob Ford came out of nowhere and grabbed their ball away from them. I tried to get it back but he just pointed up to the Ball and Hockey Playing Prohibited sign and said, “I’m sorry, ma’am. Rules are rules.” That guy runs a tight city, I’ll give him that. —Submitted by Mary Armbrook
Ford Accuses Trees of Not Generating Jobs
In a statement to the press earlier today, Mayor Ford justified the severely reduced amount of parkland in his brother’s vision for the waterfront. “I know a lot about generating jobs,” said the mayor, “and let me tell you: Trees just aren’t that good for business. How many people does a tree employ? Nobody. When was the last time a tree gave you a raise? Never. You...
Advice from Andy: Fancy Restaurant
Q: Dear Andy, I’m going out to this restaurant tonight and I think it’s kind of fancy but I’m not sure. I’ve gone on their website and they don’t say anything about a dress code, but the prices are definitely in fancy territory. How do I dress in this situation? Keep in mind that I have to impress my boss and my boss’s boss on this dinner. Also both of them are...
New Area Code
As a member of the 647 underclass, I look forward to finally having a group of phone users to look down on. —Jordan Piece
Interview: Labour Day
Me: Hey, what’d you do for Labour Day? Girl: I got pregnant. Me: Beg your pardon? Girl: I figured it’d be a fun little joke. You know, Labour Day… going into labour… that whole thing. Me: You got pregnant as a joke? Girl: Yeah, you know. Like a gag. Me: But that joke doesn’t even work! You’re going to give birth nine months after Labour Day. How would...
Ford Outlines Ferris Wheel and Monorail Plan
CITY HALL — Following up on his vision for the Port Lands, Councillor Doug Ford (Ward 2 Etobicoke North) has released an even more elaborate vision for the city of Toronto as a whole. “So we start by building the world’s largest monorail down at the Port Lands. Simple, right? Next we build a monorail to Union Station, and then build another Ferris wheel there. Then we extend...
Review: The Hangover
I realized the other day that I had never seen The Hangover so I went out and rented it. It was okay I guess but I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was a complete rip-off of The Hangover Part II. —Impala D’Angelo
Mayor Sighting 18
Mayor Ford was walking in front of me on Bloor Street today. It must have been during the air show because all of a sudden this plane flew really low overhead and made this huge loud noise and when the Mayor heard it he just flat out cold cocked this random guy next to him and then ran off screaming. It seriously looked like he had PTSD or something. Or maybe he’s just spooked by loud...
Green Room Reopening
ANNEX — After months of being shut down for health code violations, The Green Room is set to reopen. “Mainly I’m interested in seeing what kind of innovative new health code violations I can come up with,” said the guy who owns the Green Room. “I’m thinking this time I can just put food directly on the tables. You know, instead of using plates? Also I’m...
Mayor Sighting 17
Mayor Ford was ahead of me in line for TIFF tickets this morning and he bought out three entire screenings. I’m not exaggerating here; he literally bought up every single remaining ticket at every single screening of Moneyball. Which was bullshit, because I wanted to see Moneyball. When I told him I thought it was kind of impolite of him to take all those tickets, he patted me on the head...
Review: The A&W at Central Parkway and Mavis Road...
It’s messed up that all the burgers here are named after people, like they’re made out of people meat or something. I don’t know if this is a problem at every A&W or just this one but I feel like we need to have a boycott or call the mayor or something. Mississauga has its own mayor, right? —Impala D’Angelo
Instead of a website, why doesn’t TIFF try putting a giant vat of molasses out in front of the Lightbox and having people wade through that to get tickets? It’d probably be faster. —Jordan Piece
Mayor Sighting 16
Rob and Doug Ford were right in front of me at the Jays game last night. Every time lightning struck the CN Tower there’d be this huge loud thunder crack right above us and the Mayor would jump in his seat a little bit. After the fourth or fifth time this happened he said, “Is this normal? Is it supposed to do that?” and Doug just kind of shrugged. So after the game ended and...
Advice from Andy: Tornado Warning
Q: Dear Andy, this Tornado Warning has got me freaked the heck out!!!!! What do I do?????? A: What?! Tornado Warning? Seriously? How come nobody told me about this? Holy shit, I have no idea what to do! I do not have a clue! Get in a basement, I guess? Unless basements are dangerous… Is that a thing? Where basements are dangerous because if like your house falls down then it falls down on...
Precariously Stacked Antique China Festival
The Precariously Stacked Antique China Festival returned to Toronto for its fourth year today. I went down and spoke with Elmer Quicken, who organized the festival and helped construct some of the largest stacks in Dundas Square. Q/S: I’ve heard so much about this festival, but I never imagined that the pieces of antique china would be so precariously stacked! EQ: They are precariously...
Review: Finding Nemo
The Port Authority was showing Finding Nemo down at the waterfront on Saturday and I’d never seen it before so I decided to go check it out. It was a fun movie and everything, but I think Pixar made two big mistakes: 1) The movie sounded like it was coming out of distant, muffled speakers. 2) The view was mostly obstructed by boats. On one hand, this faithfully reproduces the experience...
Mayor Sighting 15
Mayor Ford was at that showing of Jaws down at the waterfront last night. He was really cheering on the shark. Like every scene where the shark was attacking someone he would just clench his fists and go, “yes! yes!” under his breath. Then at the end when the shark blew up he shouted out, “Awww, what?! Come on! Bullshit!” and stormed off in a huff. —Submitted by...
This Week in Poetry
(Eden’s note: I was interviewing this poetry guy a few days ago and I liked him so much that I decided to hire him as our official poet in residence. I guess “hire” isn’t he right word since I’m not paying him. Also “in residence” isn’t really accurate either since I’m not giving him a place to reside. Whatever, here are two of his poems from...
Lanterra Developments Pledges to Continue Raining...
DOWNTOWN — In recent weeks, Toronto has experienced a string of falling glass incidents at condominium properties constructed by Lanterra Developments. At a press conference earlier today, CEO Sebastian Lanterra delivered the following statement: “Citizens of Toronto, “By now, you have no doubt seen the power of our falling glass attacks. You may think you have experienced the...
Mayor Sighting 14
I was in line at an ATM, and Mayor Ford was in front of me. The woman at the machine was taking a while, and Ford seemed really impatient, looking at his watch a lot and sighing really loudly. Eventually he said, “Lady, come on! Just because we both bank at TD doesn’t mean this has to be T-D-ous. Actually, wait. Wait. I can do better. This is taking so long, I’ll bet I could, uh… make my own...
Review: Red State
Boy, this was a different experience! Instead of being projected on a screen like a traditional movie, Red State came in the form of an overweight man in a hockey jersey standing on a stage. He referred to movies as “flicks” and people as “cats” and talking as “podcasting” which I’m pretty sure isn’t even a real word. He also made a bunch of gross...
Me: Yo, how do you feel about the cops shooting that deer? Guy: Outraged. Me: How outraged? Guy: I can tell you exactly how outraged. As I’m sure you know, I am a poet. Me: Why would I know that? Guy: Unimportant. As a poet, I have the ability to channel my emotions into words. I have composed a poem which addresses this very issue. It reads as follows: Me: Whoa whoa whoa. You’re...
Councillor Vies for Popularity, Feigns Insanity
After a week that saw Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti make a series of increasingly insane, widely reported pronouncements, Councillor Gord Perks attempted a similar tack at a press conference he held today. “Now, I’m here primarily to highlight a series of workshops to be held this Wednesday and Thursday in Parkdale, which are intended to encourage people on social assistance to give...
Addendum: Mayor Sighting 13
I can corroborate the last Mayor sighting. I was on the street when it happened. The Mayor was stealing Polish sausages though, not hot dogs. Also Councillor Mammoliti was there and he was yelling “Yeah! Go Rob! You show that downtown communist bike-riding Cougar Town-watching elitist who’s boss!” It was all pretty shocking, I have to say. I mean, I expected Mammo to hate all...
Mayor Sighting 13
I can’t be positive since I was a few floors up looking out of my office window, but I’m like 80% sure that I saw Rob Ford steal some hot dogs from a food cart. He was literally reaching behind the counter and grabbing hot dogs off the grill and it looked like the guy was yelling at him. —Submitted by Roger Carmet
Bicycle Film Festival: Top Pix*
*Picks or pics, either works It seems like just yesterday filmmakers from across the world were getting their bicycle films tuned up for the Bicycle Film Festival, but now the festival is over and each shiny new bicycle film has been lovingly crashed into the wide oak tree that is the Toronto film-going public. Here are my top picks! 1. No One Wants to Watch Bicycles Dir. Frank Homily, USA This...