I saw Mayor Ford buying a pumpkin the other day. I figured he was just getting ready for Halloween, but right after he paid for it he took a huge bite out of the side of it. Just eating it like it was an apple! Like, what the hell! Who does that?
—Submitted by Kathryn Coleman
Me: Hey, did you vote today?
Guy: What?
Me: Did you vote today?
Guy: Uh… y… um… yes? Yes. I voted. As is my civic duty.
Me: Are you sure? That kind of sounds like a lie.
Guy: A lie? Get out of town! No… that’s… no. I voted. Totally. I’m such a voter.
Me: Alright, what level of government was being elected today?
Guy: Prov…incial?
Me: Right… and what party did you vote for?
Guy: …
Me: …
Guy: Democrat?
Me: Nope.
Guy: Damn it!
—Eden Wye
OTTAWA — Progressive Conservative leader Tim Hudak is standing behind a controversial campaign flyer which some have labelled homophobic.
“Of course I think it’s an appropriate flyer,” Hudak told the press on Tuesday. “The fact is, Mr. McGuinty wants to teach your six-year old child that gay people exist. And I don’t believe it’s appropriate for our schools to get involved with that kind of mature subject matter.”
“Now I’m not trying to be anti-gay here, I’m not saying gay people don’t exist. They may exist. Or they may not, I don’t know. I’m not gay. And for all I know no one else is either. Teach the controversy, am I right?”
Hudak then held up his hand, apparently expecting a high five. Sources indicate that he has been left hanging.
—Micah Bailey-White
What was everyone’s favourite thing at Nuit Blanche this year? Personally I’m torn between the giant two hour lineup and the giant 90 minute lineup. Although that giant one hour lineup was pretty good too.
—Jordan Piece
Today I bought a music album from some men in a van. Normally I just steal all my music but I’m a really suggestible person so whenever someone asks me to buy something I’ll pretty much immediately say yes even if I don’t want the thing. Even if I don’t know what the thing is or how much it costs. I have around 800 copies of that newspaper that homeless people sell in my apartment and the stack is only getting bigger.
In conclusion, here are the ratings for this post.
Album: B. In general I prefer stolen music. I don’t like having money taken away from me every time I get more music. Also, that disc format is very inconvenient. The band is fine though. I think they play rock music? I don’t know, haven’t really been paying attention.
Van: A. Picture all the times in your life you have bought something from the back of a van, or stepped into a van on the advice of complete strangers. This van was way more legitimate than all the things that you’re picturing. I think people would have a lot better opinion of vans if more vans out there were like this van.
Homeless Newspaper: F. The articles are really poorly written. Sometimes they just stop right in the middle of a sentence. It’s almost like they don’t expect anyone to ever read this thing ever. Plus it takes up valuable floor space in my living room.
—Impala D’Angelo
I walked by Mayor Ford in the park last night and he completely reeked of rum. He kind of yelled something at me and my friends but it mostly unintelligible because of how slurred his speech was. He was waving a camera at us though, so I think maybe he wanted us to take his picture? I just pretended not to see him.
—Submitted by Brittany Linstock
There are approximately one billion children in the city of Toronto and their parents have made a collective decision to bring them all to the same building at the exact same time.
—Jordan Piece
This party is getting really weird so I’m posting on tumblr instead of talking to people. Around thirty of Carolyn’s law school friends all showed up at the same time and now it is officially impossible to have a non-law conversation. Literally every time I start talking to someone they end up going on about torts. It’s like, what the fuck is a tort? I have no idea what that word means in a non-dessert context.
Oh, and some random dude in a fedora just told me “my girlfriend” may be a lesbian. Which, like, I don’t even know where to start with that one.
—Jordan Piece
Me: Nice hat.
Guy: Thank you! Thank you for noticing my hat.
Me: No problem.
Guy: It took me a lot of time to find this hat, you know? Took me time.
Me: Great. So how do you know Carolyn?
Guy: Hey, I don’t know. I just met her, you know what I mean?
Me: Oh yeah? Who are you here with?
Guy: Huh?
Me: Who do you know here?
Guy: Who do I know here?
Me: Who do you know here?
Guy: I don’t know, man. I just met everyone, you know what I mean? Still getting to know everyone.
Me: Wait, how are you at this party if you just met everyone?
Guy: Hey. Hey. Can I ask you a question?
Me: I’d really prefer it if you answered mine first but go ahead.
Guy: You know that guy over there?
Me: You mean Jordan?
Guy: Yeah, yeah. How long have you him been uh… messing around? You know what I mean? Messing around? I’m just wondering how serious it is between you two.
Me: Jordan is gay, dude.
Guy:Whaaaat? Did you know that before you started messing around with him?
Me: Listen, I’m going to stop talking to you now and go over there and make a blog post about this conversation we just had. Is that cool?
Guy: You’re not gay too, are you? Are you both gay?
Me: I’ll take that as a yes.
—Eden Wye
